Thursday, July 2, 2009

God's Baby

God blessed us with a little miracle at the beginning of April 2009. I remember feeling a little "BLAH" that day, feeling sick to my stomach, with everything else out of sorts. It disappeared after a few days, so I just attributed it to some new juice I had tried..... LATER ON, I would find out that it was a baby that we would never know while it was alive.
At 10 weeks, when we discovered that I was expecting a baby, the baby had already passed away a few days prior, thus setting off "symptoms". It broke my heart to find out, but I know God has a reason for everything, and trusted that LIFE WOULD GO ON. I know under any other circumstances, as I looked down at my flat stomach laying in bed, I would be thankful for it's appearance, but tonight it would be most difficult to see it again considering the circumstances that led up to it.

Today as I found out about the loss, the day seemed so dark and lonely at first. My mind kept swirling with questions and thoughts--so much that I don't even remember driving home from the hospital. God DOES provide comfort in these dark of times, though, I just wasn't ready to look for it. So, even though I felt too weak to pray for myself (ever been there?), and too hopeless to even want to try, I had a gracious friend who God put in my path at the time offer a prayer to me that changed my outlook COMPLETELY. As the day's events unfolded, I would soon see that this WASN'T the horrible event that I kept thinking it was--this was an opportunity to teach our girls about life and death, and to know that God blessed us with a baby that he chose ME to lovingly carry for the blessed short time it was alive! An OPPORTUNITY, instead of a nightmare that my mind kept telling me it SHOULD be! As my focus of the days events changed, so did the actual events unfolding before my eyes.....

My miracles started as I talked with the Chaplin at Sanford Hospital to find out what becomes of the baby once it was"born". Some people may just want to move on and not glance back at the pregnancy-gone-sour, but I couldn't rest easy unless I knew what was generally accepted as the methodology of closure for the precious tiny soul. The Chaplin told me that he would be leaving when we were coming in, so the college campus pastor from my Alma-mater would be on call. I quickly realized that God wanted to give me a familiar comfort for tonight's surgery, something I had never even considered a possibility! I learned that he generally only works about 3 nights a month, and I "happened" to come in on one of those nights! (Happened? Not at all.......more like "was planned to be by divine intervention "!) My college pastor and I have kept up over the years--so he already knew we were expecting a baby, along with knowing our family dynamics, family values, and our family goals.

We decided as a family to do this together, since the girls had been there for the ultrasound, seeing the baby on the screen, and then seeing both their mama and the ultra sound technician brushing back the tears they shared at that moment. Yes, they knew, and were full of questions. Like I said, this was an OPPORTUNITY to share both the blessing AND the sadness with them!

When I got chauffeured into the surgery room, I soon realized that God's plan of comfort wouldn't stop at just my campus pastor friend, he was going to bless me with a room full of familiar faces! Out of the 5 people in my surgery room, I knew 3 of them! (and there were several rooms full of other people!) A classmate/friend from college was my anesthesiologist, one of my nurses was a friend who I had bought scrapbook supplies from for years, and my doctor was my very own, who happened to be on call tonight. YES, God had surrounded me with comforting, familiar faces for the surgery I had been needlessly dreading all day long! Quite awkwardly, most of the night I found myself not being able to hide the smile God had painted on me with such loving hands.

After surgery, we had a ceremony in our room with my college pastor, which was so very meaningful, that I couldn't hold back the tears. Although I may not remember all the words he spoke from the sheer magnitude of the evening, I do remember, that as we held hands he said that we were together as a family for the first time, and that the next time we would be together would be in the presence of our savior. AMEN.

Through this, I have learned that God's plan is God's plan. We may tell ourselves that we are in control but if God's plan is to have a baby in his arms, then so it shall be. Praise the Lord forevermore!

"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14


  1. So sorry for your loss, Hayley. How amazing is the comforting hand of God to surround you in such a delicate time! Amazing :) And yes, it would've made me smile too...will keep you all in my prayers!

  2. Oh, Hayley, I just read this today as I was catching up on my blog feed. My heart aches for you, dear girl! You are in our prayers, may you be comforted in our Father's hands. Your sister in Christ, Jen

  3. Thanks dear friends,you both are so special to me! I appreciate you leaving a message for me. Thank you.

  4. I'm so deeply sorry Hayley for your families loss, but I am also praising God for the miracle of that baby, no matter how short its beautiful life was, and the fact that you will be united with that precious child in heaven, for eternity. I'm so thankful that Jesus is in your life, and he can comfort you in ways that we would never be able to. Praying for you and your family.

  5. Carrington, I have a connection to you that I never would've imagined! Thank you for the prayers, honey :) Wishing your family a wonderful journey, and I look forward to hearing your updates!